Wednesday, March 28, 2007, 8:43 PM
for no particular reason, just feeling abit lousy.
current state that im in. is screwed. never feel so badly to return to the past. really missed anderson days. or is it my problem?
ever since i lost it, im falling. hard. smack down. and my confidence and drive went smacked down as well. drifting further and further. until they are no longer in sight.
days when i can just cry out all the unhappiness are long gone. for they just hide themselves and im unable to get them out. perhaps its also because i think too much.
is it because i dont want to let go? or is it i cant let go? or i dunno how to?
how i wish i've bionic eyes. then i can read everyone's mind like a book. but since its a wish, it means it'll never happen.
im having hesitation for a belief that i held so strongly before. for once, i really ask myself, "does it matter anymore despite doing so much? and making myself feeling so lousy and screwed?"
its not because i dont want to say. its just that i cant find the right people to say out to. and i dont want to hurt you anymore. so i rather to get hurt instead. perhaps its also because i dunno how to say it.
my results are plunging pretty hard like a waterfall. then there's this plunge pool at the bottom with those rock debris and have abrasions and stuff. gotta do something about everything.
i hope that there's a medicine that makes people forget unhappiness. the world will be much a better place to live in. but without unhappiness, what's the significance of happiness? its always a relative kind of thing. its about comparison.
its the count that thoughts. does it still apply in this context? if they are no expressed, do they still count? i wish for bionic eyes.
i just wish for simpler life. happier life. less things to think about. less able to think too much and make myself unhappy. how long does escapism works?
gotta do something about everything. screwed. but its my problem...
